Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
