I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize