dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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