ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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