Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
