dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
