Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
