My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
