so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
