STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
