I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Who died my cat blue again?
I deserve this hangover.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
