sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
