my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
