he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
