When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
