Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
