Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
