so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
