btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize