fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My ass is underappreciated
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
