so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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