Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
