i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
