I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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