Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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