We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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