he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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