what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
