Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
