the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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