Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
