I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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