I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize