A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
