I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
