my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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