I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
