im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
