I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
