A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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