There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
only you would photoshop your dick
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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