god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
