Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
