I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
