I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
