my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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