i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
