I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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