I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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