I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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