I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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