Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
