I could have mohawked her pubes.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was CRYING into my vagina
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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