Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
