look no pants
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
