Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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