i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
a search helicopter?!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
