You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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