I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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