remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
