totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
