Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
