My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
