Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
