So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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