Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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