he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
