people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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