His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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