i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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