so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
