i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You have to summon your inner elephant
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
