I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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