Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have fence marks all over my body
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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