so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
