Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i drank out of a bidet.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
