My liver just broke up with me...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
