Pappa wants mamma naked
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
