We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
